Yikes, another year has slipped away.

Ok, perhaps slipped isn't the right word. It has been quite an amazing year.

I know, right?

The next will only be better. I can honestly say, I'm improving with age... and so is life. Is everything where it needs to be? Not quite. However, each day I can smile is so much better than either the "before time" or the "dark time."

During the last year, I discovered something inside myself I never realized was there. I've learned how to turn on the charm with anyone. I've become social. I've made another major stride towards my education goals, which in turn will contribute to my career goals.

I even managed to meet my favorite actor, and managed to walk away without making a total ass out of myself... and additionally, discovered she is just a girl, a very shy, very talented, very beautiful girl.

I discovered Facebook... which is both rewarding and utterly evil. Who knew? Anyway, social networking can be fun, and I'm hopeful it will enable me to keep in touch with my college classmates when classes are in my rear-view mirror.

I've made some investments toward improving myself and my stake in this world. They say this economy sucks... well, I'm just positioning myself to ride the wave back up!

OMG! And then there was Greece!

However, I'd be lying if I said everything this year has been roses and sunshine. The job still sucks, but I keep hanging in... hopeful of the doors that will open in May when I get the piece of paper. I still cannot believe I've been denied interviews based solely on that degree... but I digress.

There's the weight gain. I'm now approaching 180, and I've been unable to slow it down. That sucks! I'm heavy enough to where my knees and back are causing problems again. Working out is less fun, since I cannot go for a run afterwards.

I've tried... the knees don't care for pumping that much weight. Bleah.

The ex is providing a source of confusion and amusement. I don't even know what to think about her. She calls and texts and begs me to email her. Then after I do, she disappears for a week or two.

I know I don't want to get back together with her... however, her realization of her past mistakes and hearing about where her life is now amuses me.

So, I'm a little evil. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with her. Although, getting sucked back into her web and then out again might help with dramatic weight loss.

Hell, it worked the last time!

This year, there have been other girls. Some, I'm unsure where things went wrong... others, I know exactly what went wrong. Since I've realized there are so many more girls out there... it doesn't affect me in the same way.

And THAT is a good thing!

Happy birthday to me...

What i'm listening to:

Yankee Rose
David Lee Roth
Eat 'em and Smile

Ever have anything so surreal happen that you wanted to write about it, but somehow couldn't put it into words?

Well, a few weekends ago, I had the opportunity to meet someone I've wanted to meet for many, many years. In October, it finally happened.

Mia Kirshner toured through Madison, WI for the Wisconsin Book Fair to promote her new book I Live Here, which

is a raw and intimate journey to crises in four corners of the world: war in Chechnya, ethnic cleansing in Burma, globalization in Mexico, and AIDS in Malawai. Threaded throughout these accounts is Mia's intimate travel narrative, brought vividly to life in collaboration with writer J.B. MacKinnon and designers Paul Shoebridge and Michael Simons. [Taken from the press release]

Now, I know what you're thinking. Mia Kirshner is an actor. True, but she has made the time over the last several years to pursue something she's passionate about, and this book is the result of that passion. She is presenting the lives of these displaced people and refugees. It's a very powerful book.

I've been a fan of Mia Kirshner for a long time. I first discovered her in a quirky independent film called Exotica, and I was mesmerized. The film was very dark, with multi-faceted elements of mystery entangling all of the characters. Anyway, her portrayal of Christina in that film was simply amazing.

However, in 1995 there was very little information available on her, and the Internet was not the smorgasbord it is today... which led me to start a little fan site.

The fan site evolved over time and drew the attention of thousands of fans, and even Mia herself at one point. It is through the site that I was contacted about the book release and the impending book tour.

So, I combed the schedule to see if she was coming to this area, and then worked the math to see if the cities she was stopping in were viable. Austin, TX and Madison, WI stood out as the closest to the Kansas City area. Since her appearance in Madison was on a Sunday, I decided to book a room and take a road trip.

I arrived in Madison on Saturday night, so I could find the addresses I would need, and to take in some desperately needed decompression time in a college town. I found the address of the place listed on the press release, and then hit State Street for a pub crawl.

Sunday morning, I showed up at the address only to find the doors to the venue locked. Needless to say, a bit of panic stirred up in me. How stupid is it to drive this far and to miss actually meeting her for some stupid reason? I pulled out my iPod Touch and desperately looked for an Internet connection to search for answers. After ten minutes of not being able to find a valid link, I began wandering down State Street. I passed a coffee shop with free Wi-Fi... still no connection. Even purchased a chai tea to get the passcode... still nothing. So I moved down the block and found a shop with a sign in the window inviting book fans in.

I rushed in and asked the clerk a "stupid question." I asked her where the book fair was, and she stated it was all over town. At that point I was really hoping I wouldn't have to drive somewhere I hadn't scouted. Then she produced a tabloid promoting the book fair, and I asked if I could take a look at it. Scanning it, I found that she was speaking and signing for about 90 minutes at a theatre... that just happened to be right in between the coffee shop and the book shop I had just visited.

So, by the time I arrive, I'm twenty minutes late. I slipped into the back of the auditorium, and watched her. She was so passionate as she spoke about her project, yet it was clear she's uncomfortable with public speaking. No one was taking pictures, so I didn't snap any either. I just sat, listened, and watched.

After the Q & A, there was a small break, and she sat next to her books and began working the line through. While the line was moving, I was making the acquaintance of a fine young lady named Kate. I told her my story, and asked her if she'd be willing to snap some photos when we were up, and she agreed.

When my turn came up, I was much calmer than I thought I would be. She asked who she was signing it for, so I gave her my first name. Then I mentioned the "little" website, and she turned, looked me right in the eye and addressed me by my full name.

Then she said, "I have to give you a hug!" and jumped up and gave me a hug. She was very, very appreciative of the support I (and my website) have given her over the years, and she even apologized for fear she'd disappointed me with some of the movies she'd taken.

At that point, I realized how surreal it is to be someone who's a celebrity to someone else. I appreciated her for the real person that she is, and I really enjoyed chatting with her for the next fifteen minutes or so. She signed my book personally, and Kate snapped away. She even told me that she would have to tell her mother she finally met me.

That blew me away... and I think my mental state started so slip a little. I still feel bad, because I completely forgot to say goodbye to Kate (actually, I'd planned on waiting for her and talking more)... although I'm fairly certain I thanked her for the photos.

She couldn't stop saying, "Wow!" and said it was "great great to finally meet me." After a few stories, and a few more hugs... it was time to go. I've been told I have to learn to share.

At least, I walked away an even bigger fan of Mia, the person... and certain that she thought I was cool too.

Surreal. Mindblowing. Awesome. Finally!

Shamelessly ganked from Facebook (which I'm sure was ganked from somewhere else):

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh would pay $7.
• The eighth would pay $12.
• The ninth would pay $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
• The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20', declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right', exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

This month marks an interesting anniversary for me. It's hard to believe it has been three years!

Three years ago, I was on top of the world. I had just started school, with law school ambitions clearly in sight, and I was excited about it. I had just discovered the school's workout facilities, and was finally working to manage my weight problem. The burden of my heavy financial debt had turned, and I was no longer having to scrimp and save to make ends meet. I had a girlfriend, and I was in love.

It was truly a high point in my life. However, at the time my happiness was built like a house of cards... little did I know that it would only take six months to bring it all crashing down. All of it.

That was still in the "before time." The high point didn't teach me much, but I did learn a lot in the six months that followed.

I've learned I couldn't have continued down that road. I know that now.

So, what's changed? Right now, I'm not quite back on top... yet I'm at a higher point than I was three years ago. I'm within sight of a bachelor's degree which has proven quite elusive for so many years, although law school may no longer be the goal. I've worked out regularly and examined my nutrition and while I've lapsed a bit in the last six months, I know what it will take to get myself back to where I was a year ago... at my lightest weight since eighth grade and in the best shape of my life... AND I'm determined to get back there; however I believe my weight problem is mostly under control. The burden of my heavy financial debt is turning, and I no longer have to scrimp and save to make ends meet, which means I've regained control from the extreme depression I experienced... and tried to buy my way out of. I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm not in love... but I've managed to find friendship from both of those women.

Wait... check that.

I am in love. What makes all the difference is that I've learned how to love myself, to accept myself. I am a hundred times the person I was in the before time. I've found happiness within my mere existence, totally independent of outside stimuli.

Because of that, I know I will never truly be on "top" of anything... except where I was yesterday. I still have nowhere to go but up, and that prospect is thrilling! I have friends who love and care about me, girlfriends who love and care about me, and it all came from within!

I know. Right?

Amazing! Who knew?

Today, I met my representative in the U.S. House, and enjoyed talking with her. There is one thing she said that stands out, because my degree will lend itself to entering the political arena.

She said that she didn't enter politics to be political, she entered politics because she was angry about what was happening, and she wanted to do something about it. She entered politics to affect policy. Because of that, she loves her job.

I totally admire that. It shouldn't be about political beliefs... it should be about the people and the policies.

Hopefully, someday it will be... one politician at a time.

What i'm listening to:

Push
Madonna
Confessions on a Dance Floor

It seems like I’ve only found time to blog when I’m sitting in an airport waiting for a plane. Weird.

Summer is almost over. That makes me happy. It seems odd, because I used to love the summertime in Wyoming and Arizona, but in Kansas... and currently in Georgia, I just really don’t care for the oppressive mugginess. It’s just gross when you get out of the shower and start sweating. It’s unconvenient to have your shades fog up when you get out of the car. Plus, muggy heat makes me sleepy.

This summer has all but reversed the trend of the last two summers. I’ve almost got my old body back... at least around the middle. I’m still down thirty pounds from my peak, but I need to be motivated to hit the gym. It’s frustrating because I’m heavy enough now to where I’m breathing hard enough during workouts to discourage me. I’ve been watching what I eat, but I’m not sure exactly what to do from here.

Anyway, at least I’m not crawling back into my shell. I’ve had a blast this past week in the south, and I must say that these Georgia girls have been delightful! The past couple of nights, I’ve managed to wander into a birthday party each night and I’ve had a lot of fun with the girls at the parties. Now, that wouldn’t have happened two years ago!

I’m finding out some new qualities I never knew I had. I guess you could say I’ve always been selective, but I’ve always felt I had to settle in the past. Now, as I’m talking to the girls I meet, I’m qualifying them... and they always try to become qualified. However, if they’re annoying, I’m strong enough to walk away. If we have nothing in common, again, I’ll leave. If we vibe well, I can stay in the conversation for hours.

I’ve come a long way, that’s for sure. Now I just need to determine exactly what I’m looking for... because as long as I don’t know what I want, it’s hard to determine what I’ll get.

At least I’m finally strong enough to figure it out and stick with it!

What i'm listening to:

Jeremy
Pearl Jam
Ten

Ok, so I've been making some observations about my body. You see, I've been bad... really bad, actually... about hitting the gym. I finally made my way in Tuesday, and had my first workout since my Greek adventure.

That's three and a half months, for anyone who cares. A lifetime of bad habits building there.

On top of that, I haven't been eating the best things for me. I discovered I have a weakness for such foods as Fig Newtons, Twinkies, Zingers, and Girl Scout Cookies.

I learned while I was working out regularly that I could get away with eating anything. My appetite came back strong, and my waist continued to shrink.

Well, even though I never managed to find time to workout for one reason or another the entire summer, my appetite didn't wane. Yesterday, I weighed in at 172 lbs., 15 pounds over my low point from last year, one pound under my weight when I discovered I had dropped so much from the before time, and still about thirty pounds under where I was three years ago.

The latter is good. The rest? Not so much. At least I still have my fat pants, because the clothes I've bought over the last couple of years are a bit tight around the waist.

So, I need to make the conscious effort... more time in the gym, watch what I eat in the interim (and cut some things out entirely), and strive to eat regularly.

Another discovery I've made in the last month is how lousy some food makes me feel. It's been easy to cut out diet soda and twinkies... because consuming them just zapped me. It'll be ok to splurge occasionally, when I can ensure it will only be occasionally.

I'm confident I'll get back on track, but it's going to take some time to re-instill the good habits.

What i'm listening to:

Disturbia
Rihanna
Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded

Perhaps the only perk of my job is finding out when certain cool things happen around town. For instance, Tuesday I learned that “Birdie, the Early Bird” was going to appear today at a local McDonald’s from 7:30 am to 10 am.

Of course, I was thinking that would make for the perfect picture for Facebook and MySpace... so I set my alarm early, set the camera out and went to bed at a normal hour last night.

And naturally, the elements have conspired against me. I’ve had insomnia since I’ve been back from Europe... and I’m averaging 2-4 hours of sleep a night... which usually doesn’t begin until around 3 am. Last night was no exception. It is SO fun tossing and turning, being too hot, then too cold, reading, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, and NOT falling asleep.

So, when seven rolled around, I wasn’t really interested in getting up. Besides, I had until 10, right? I hit the snooze and dozed a bit longer.

Finally, I’m up at 8:30, still groggy and using Excedrin to jump start my day. I run through the shower and decide to shave. My bathroom faucet is leaky, and I’ve not had time to fix it (although you’d think I’d have plenty with the insomnia and stuff), so I turn the water on and off below the vanity before and after I use the sink. Fine, throw everything together, check email, and I’m out the door at 9:35. Since it only takes five minutes to get to that McDonald’s from my house, I should be ok! I still think it’s a cool idea for a Facebook photo!

I didn’t count on the train sitting parked on the tracks between hither and yawn. I don’t even wait, I U-turn and head through downtown.

Now, at this point, I should mention that in the city of Topeka, a traffic signal isn’t doing it’s job unless it has collected at least a dozen cars to no cross traffic. Today was no exception.

At 9:50, I’m a block away and I see that the road is closed to through traffic... fine, I dart through the adjacent parking lot. Yep, the road work runs past it too, so I have to turn around and skirt around a couple more blocks to get there.

I walk into McDonald’s at 9:55... no sign of Birdie anywhere. Naturally. While it was a cool idea, it’s not worth getting my knickers in a twist, and I get to order breakfast (which was part of the original plan anyway).

Now, if I were naturally a morning person, or I were sleeping normally, I might find some irony in missing the “early bird,” but I don’t think anyone who knows me would/could have expected otherwise. Morning, I’m not at my best, and I’m chronically late before 10 am anyway. C’est la vie.

What i'm listening to:

I Kissed a Girl
Katy Perry
One of the Boys

So, what has changed since I started blogging... besides my apparent recent lack of interest in blogging.

I’ve grown as a person. I’m less narcissistic, which means I’m less needy and feel whole. This was an absolutely essential transition I needed to make. To think that someone else “completes you” is utter rubbish. Something else... even more so!

Honestly, I now know you have to find yourself and be content with yourself before you can have any successful relationship... which will significantly raise the bar for any potential mate I choose to hook up with.

I’ve learned how to stop worrying. It is absolutely amazing how not worrying about all these little things that are out of my control has affected my mood swings. It seems that the line “just smile a little smile and say, ‘I never did mind about the little things,’” was spot on.

I’m learning to detach myself from outcome. Ah, the joys of having an analytical mind. I see a girl I’d like to get to know better... and off it runs! Within seconds, my mind has processed everything that can happen in my interaction with the young lady, which only succeeds in idealizing her, petrifying me... and we both lose. Getting to know her is the object, why speculate on what may or may not happen?

After all, why would I want to spend a lot of time with someone with a bangin’ body if she’s annoying the piss out of me?

I’ve changed my attitude on dating. I think it is sad that so many couples have one date and like each other just enough to become exclusive! Tell me, what’s wrong with meeting new girls every night, seeing four or five, and having the one you enjoy most eventually standing out? Really, wouldn’t this lead to a lower divorce rate if people would play the field more... and realize there isn’t anything wrong with it?

I don’t care what others think. This is totally non-narcissistic... because the narcissist needs others approval to even survive. I know this first hand, so this is a strange new territory for me. What’s simply amazing is the fact that by not caring whether I offend people or not, I’m more genuine, and more attractive. Who knew?

So, will I continue blogging with so little negativity in my life? Time will tell.

What i'm listening to:

Identified
Vanessa Hudgins
Identified

Oddly, it's not a craving. I haven't been hungry at all for a couple of weeks.

Ok, that's a different story. Whenever there's drama in my life... even stupid drama... I lose my appetite and just don't have any cravings.

As a result, my stomach is much smaller right now, and I find I'm not even munching... with one exception.

I cannot seem to stop shovelling food into my mouth at work.

I've read that is a sign that it's time to find something new. I know that is true, but I can't put down the damned 3 Musketeers bar at work. By the end of the day, I've consumed enough crap that I just crash when I get home. The corporate machine at work, I suppose... sapping my will to go on and my strength to leave.

Somehow, I must find a way... my long term health and finances depend on it!

What i'm listening to:

Ms. Hilton
The Penfifteen Club
Feel It

I've been having a lot of fun asking girls I meet to guess my age when they ask. Overall, I've been pleasantly surprised. A few have nailed it, but others have taken almost ten years off of my life.

Not too bad, right?

This morning, I must admit that I was bored and avoiding coming in to work, so I was poking around MySpace. I made some new friends on my trip to Greece, and I wanted to see if I should friend them up.

Then I had an impulse... spurred by a dream I had last night and a Bill Withers song stuck in my head, so I looked up that girl from high school. You know, the one who just makes the rest of the world disappear. The one with the gorgeous body, those amazingly soft lips, those doe-y brown eyes that penetrate your soul.

Yeah, that one.

Now, I'd like to think that I'm not terribly shallow, although I am obviously shallow to a point. After all, there has to be a reason I seem to have an entourage of 23-year-old girls everywhere I go.

She doesn't look a day under forty. Here I am being told I look like I'm 27... I guess maybe there is some truth to the "fountain of youth" benefits of living in a humid climate!

I must say I'm a bit shocked... and numb. I don't really know how I feel about this.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over it. However, I've been wondering about getting in touch with her. Should I? I've been curious... after all we were close for four years during high school.

Or should I just let the past lie? That's been working well for me lately as well...

What i'm listening to:

Cradle of Love
Billy Idol
Charmed Life