Most people who know me know that i don't shop at Wal-Mart.

Honestly, i believe enough people shop there and make them the most successful corporation in the world without me.

And maybe, just maybe i can hold onto a sliver of my soul.

Maybe.

Anyway, last night i was getting ready for another night of unbridled depravity after picking up some groceries and Chinese food, but my trusty Celica decided it was a good night to stay home.

After almost seven years... i guess that battery didn't really owe me any favors. Hell, it outlasted my relationship!

So, my father... with the best of intentions... told me to go to Wal-Mart and pick up a $35 battery. Even if they sell stuff that isn't of the quality, i can afford to run a $35 battery for a couple of years.

Here's the kicker tho'... i'm only two minutes away from the local Interstate Batteries dealer, which happens to be the brand i had in the car for the last seven years.

And i replaced the battery for only $27.

See people! You've been conditioned that Wal-Mart "always" has the lowest prices... but somehow i manage to save plenty of money and i don't shop there.

There's something to be said for us old-fashioned bargain hunters! =^)

So, it has been a while since i have mentioned what weighs heaviest on my mind.

To be honest, i haven't felt like writing about it... or really talking about it either. There is some kind of bliss to feeling this numb all the time.

But it has given me ample opportunities to think about it... i hate it, but there is nothing i could have done about it.

She broke up with me... if/when the time comes she'll have to "unbreak" up with me. No, i won't hold my breath on that one.

So, i'm trying to gather the strength i'll need to move on. I'm beginning to understand that by moving on, that i can still love her very deeply. I can still miss her.

I can miss the sparkle in her eye in the passionate moments, the feeling of her soft, supple skin next to me, the way her hair smells when i bury my nose in it, the intense look of love and lust as we...

Well, i can get carried away.

Yet, i can feel good. I didn't give up anything here. Did i lose a lot? Yes, but i didn't give anything up.

She is the one.

She is the one who is giving up the only person who has always and will always love her unconditionally, and the only one who believes her flaws make her even more amazing...

She is the one who lost faith in making our once powerful and passionate relationship work. She is the one who decided it wasn't worth the hardship and angst...

She is the one who followed her new friends... one's who don't know me and hardly know her... and turned her back on the one who knows her every nuance, every thought, every dream...

She is the one who believes our true love isn't worth fighting for.

Now, here's the rub. She seems so happy... and maybe she is. Maybe she truly will be better off without me. It has happened so many times in the past with so many others...

But, i don't love her any less. In spite of that, my love for her can prove to me that i can love another... another who will love me as unconditionally as she did... another who will share my passions... another...

And try as she might, C will never lose all that we have given each other. She will always know where to find the best BBQ ever, always look forward to the next laugh from Bob Schimmel, always anticipate the next release from Garbage, always yearn to know what happened to Ryan and Marissa (no, she doesn't know yet), and she'll always think of me as she savors that A&W root beer float...

She has no reason to be angry with me... and she will realize that someday.

We will always have some connection... and if a fresh young friendship can spring from that, so much the better. I'll welcome it! Someday, she will too.

In fact, i would have loved to have called her between classes this evening... but it is too soon. No, things will never be the same, but i will survive.

I still don't get it...

What is it about a raccoon tail and ears that enables Mario to fly? Surely i'm not the only one who has pondered this over the last several years since that game hit homes...

Or am i?

Wow, what a sad state of affairs that would be!

Oh well, it gives me something to think about... until i decide to Google for the answer, that is...

You know, i have made some pretty bad decisions in my life. I guess you could say that i always wanted more...

It's amazing how little everything means now. Now that i have lost the love of my life... i don't give a shit about anything.

Does that mean she was right? Was i focusing too much on us and not enough on me?

I don't think so... after all, i made the decision to go back to school for my bachelors degree, i made the decision to keep feelers out for a better career opportunity. I believe most of my decisions were to make my life better... which in turn would've made our lives better.

I suppose she wanted more too. In my decision to go back to school, to buy a house, to take steps towards financial stability... i lost the biggest thing that mattered to me. Even the decisions i thought were good ended up making things worse...

And now, nothing seems to matter.

Shit. I hate this...

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

I am so ready for this to end! I'm not sure how that can happen though. I still love her, and i feel like i always will. I still don't know why she felt she had to end it, and i probably never will.

I don't know what turned her love into hate.

If she ended it so she could pursue an affair... well, that hurts, but it doesn't change the fact that i love her.

And for some reason, i still feel that doesn't change the fact that she loves me.

I still think that it is her love for me that is preventing her from wanting to contact me... guilt, and not knowing exactly how she feels for all parties involved.

Here i am, the hopeless romantic... months ago, the emphasis would have been on romantic, but perhaps now the emphasis should be on hopeless... i keep thinking that all i need to do is find someway to sweep her off her feet, as i have done in the past. I just need to show her how devoted i am to making this work and making her happy.

I have been trying to keep my mind off of her. Really, i have! I just somehow keep coming back to her. It is worst when i wake up in the morning.

She just had this special way of waking me up in the morning. Mornings really were awesome for us...

Then i think of how cute she is when she is concentrating on something, our little yes/no arguments that more often than not led to unbridled passion, how beautiful she looked just at that moment.

What i had with her, i'm not certain i want with anyone else. Perhaps that is where my greatest problem lies.

If only i knew how and why she could fall out of love with me... or even if...

What did i do to deserve this? Will i ever believe in love again? How can she not be feeling the same feelings?

I've been thinking about something she said in her breakup email.

Yes, i know... i won't go into how improper that kind of breakup is.

Anyway, she said, "Just learn from this and move on."

So, this is what i've come up with... things i've learned after a 3-year blissful relationship:

• After three years, nothing i ever did for her mattered.
• Treating her like a princess doesn't mean she won't treat you like shit.
• Proving time and again you would do anything for her doesn't matter much.
• Taking it to the next level doesn't mean marriage.
• Being a "nice guy," isn't enough... neither is when she says this is "true love" and she'd never "throw me to the wolves."
• After three years, i should know exactly what she needs... without her having to tell me.
• If i don't, then it cannot possibly work out.
• Problems that are difficult, but can be worked out aren't worth her time.
• All the passion, the shared dreams, the phenomenal evenings, the miles traveled just to see each other, the awesome surprises, and all the multiple orgasms don't matter.
• Great sex is relative.
• If she starts playing games and treating you like shit... and you still try to work things out... only makes her more resistant to making it work.
• She can forget anything... even with an apartment full of things you bought her.
• Three years of a perfect relationship (or even a great one) aren't enough to warrant an explanation for ending it. Even more so after eight years of friendship.

And a slightly less snarky observation...

• I will probably be alright without her... some may argue i'll be better off... but that doesn't mean i can shut off the feelings like a switch. I suppose i believed that true love was worth fighting for...

Basically, what i've learned is this: everything i did right gave her every right to treat me like shit and dump me and that nothing i ever did for her mattered. Why should i even bother being a nice guy? Is true love even worth it if it is only going to end in heartbreak?

I NEVER saw this coming! If i had, i probably wouldn't have let her into my heart... we had a very passionate relationship and shared so much... and for her to just move on like this and shut me out forever...

Well, it just isn't fair.

So, why should i even try?

When will this pain end? When will i find something to fill this hole left by my sweet angel?

You know, i was so looking forward to taking our relationship to the next level.

Now, i'm afraid i don't look forward to anything at all.

I almost had to laugh today.

Someone did something i had always wanted to do. I don't know if it was an accident, or if it was frustration... but someone had taken out the stoplight control box at a major intersection i happened through on my way to work today.

It was SOOO cool!

Ok, if it was intentional, then it was also illegal, but the way the lights are timed in the town and the way they do NOT work together... let's just say it gave me a happy feeling.

Albeit a small one... but the glimmer of mischief in my eyes returned for a shining moment.

Maybe all is not lost.

I'm sure it is fixed by now, but i couldn't help but notice the traffic was flowing much smoother with the traffic cop in the middle than it ever did with the stupid light!

I still can't help wonder how something so perfect could go so wrong.

The last six months i was more in love with her than i have ever been. I guess i didn't convey that very well... because she didn't believe i was totally into the relationship.

Perhaps she lost faith because she thought i did.

I know i'm dwelling, but i think i'm starting to move on. I know i wasn't totally to blame, and i never gave up on us... but maybe i didn't do enough.

And now i'm just so totally worried about her, because i still recall the stories she told me of her life when we were apart for two years... before the devotion and love and wonder!

Now i just have to have faith... faith that she will be ok, that she will not give in to temptations, will not be a victim of her own naivete, and faith that time will heal these wounds. Faith that she will see i always loved her and that i would do anything for her.

As well as faith that i will move on... and keep her fond memory in my thoughts. And faith that i can give her the time she needs...

Ok, today sucked.

Yesterday, i was actually in good spirits... but it was a rather long day, so i didn't get anything posted before i decided to go to bed.

I kinda wish i had. I think that i'll manage to get some of the good stories posted later.

Tonight, i'm sitting here sipping my absinthe... finished watching season 2 of the US version of "The Office", and now i'm watching the UK version from the beginning. Another good thing that came out of the weekend!

I'm starting to accept things i think. It is hard, and i'm fortunate to have a great support system to help me find the strength.

I have to keep in mind that i'm not the one who chose to forget the last three years. I'm not the one who treated her like shit for the last three weeks. I didn't play this game and make her jump through hoops while i had no intention of trying to make this work.

Yet, i'm still sad. As much as she loved me... she has to feel something still. I know i have proven beyond doubt there was nothing i wouldn't do for that girl... but somehow she was able to find something.

Something that cannot have been an issue for long... or she wouldn't have wasted three years of our lives! Not that i think it was a waste... i have no regrets of the moments we shared!

I have received some good advice from my good friend Amy... so hopefully i'll find the strength to stick to it. Find the strength to move on and find someone who appreciates everything i have to offer. And thanks to Joe & Erin for helping me see that i don't deserve to be treated this way for what has happened.

Odd, i've considered C to be my best friend for sooo long... i guess she should have had my back.

Anyway, my cocktail and "The Office" awaits!