she's not the girl i thought she was?

What if she never was?

Wow, guess she was never good enough for me then...

"Everything that they told us, was nothing but lies..."

She has no reason to hate me... none... but she does.

I don't even think she realizes she made the wrong decision.

Wow. Maybe i had been giving her too much credit. Or myself.

I suppose i believed she was really in love with me. But if she was, she wouldn't be able to just 'delete' me from her life. So quickly. Just because someone showed her attention. Because he made her feel the way i made her feel. Someone who could make her tingle.

And it's funny how it works when relationships end. The best person in the relationship becomes the big loser... and the weak one gets the prize of getting to crawl into someone else's bed.

She's not in love. If she has any remnant of a soul remaining... what she did to me will eat away at her like a cancer. She gave up on us because the distance was making it hard... and because someone else showered her with affections who wasn't so far away.

And she cannot even tell me. She cannot bear to face me, to talk to me... it is easier if she just erases me from her life.

For now.

Being as close as we were for ten years... being as intimate as we were for the last three... wow, she really thinks that she's into something better now?

Or maybe it's that something better is into her.

I suppose it is good to learn how much she cares. How willing she is to endure any crisis. What 'true love' actually means to her.

I truly hope she believes she is happy with her new father figure boyfriend... and that she can continue to believe she has the real deal we once had.

She hasn't even been able to thank me for the Preakness t-shirts i picked up for her... then again she probably hasn't been home to check her mail either.

I guess everything was total bullshit. C'est la vie...

Couple of things to keep in mind my dear:

Don't kid yourself... you made the wrong decision...

He isn't as good as me.
He'll never love you as much as i.

So, what is his advantage?
He's there.

On another note, i've still got it... but i believe that our true love can survive our affairs...

Ok, it is time... i need to know.

You are making this all seem like we were drifting apart... like we are just discovering that we weren't meant to be.

I know that's not true... i was not drifting from you. And you? That's not the whole story, is it?

You told me you were upset with me because i was texting you and calling you and you weren't able to spend enough time with your friends.

You told me that you wanted to spend time with them, because you got to know them and they are good people.

What about me? Am i not good people?

And now, you tell me that the feelings haven't changed and you still care for me, but you won't tell me if you have started seeing someone because you don't want me to "dwell on it." Well, what message am i supposed to get? I'm not good people? If you are seeing someone new and have moved on, that's going to give me something to dwell on?

I'd just like to know how and why you were able to move on so quickly? Falling in love with someone isn't a choice... it is chance. Staying in love with someone isn't chance... it takes work, sometimes hard work. Falling OUT of love with someone isn't chance... you have to make a CHOICE to fall out of love with someone.

And if you haven't fallen OUT of love with me... then what is going on?

You gave up on me. I need to know why. I need to know why you are throwing it all away... if it is someone else, fine. If it is something i did, fine again, but please tell me, because it is probably something i can change... if not for you, for the next person.

If it is something i didn't do... tell me. If you care about me so much, you need to see that you need to help me get through this. I never gave up on you... hell, i still haven't! Since you have given up on me, i need to know why.

I don't think it is too much to ask, do you?

Oh my, God!

I had no idea the crashes were going to get this bad!

Tonight, i went to a concert. It was actually a good night, i was with friends... and even managed to show a hot girl how to shoot better pool.

But when the band we were waiting for went on... i was overwhelmed, which is too bad, because the band really was good.

I couldn't help thinking how hot C looked at that Liz Phair show in St. Louis. I couldn't help thinking about getting her something for the Rachel Yamagata show she missed... the postcard that said to, "Be in love always." I just couldn't handle it.

I lost it... i freakin' lost it. At least i got out of the bar... but i certainly lost it in the car.

It's not getting any better, it's only getting worse. I love this girl so much i would do anything to get her back... absolutely anything.

C... you know me better than anyone... i wish you had only suggested i might be making a huge mistake buying a house and tying myself here. I wish you would give me the chance to rectify the mistake.

I wish you wouldn't make the decision to fall out of love with me.

Falling in love is so rare, and chemistry like what we have (yes, i did use present tense there) shouldn't be tossed aside! As much as i love you, as much as you love me... as happy as i make you, as happy as you make me... how did we get to where we are at?

Neither of us will ever find this with anyone else... i need you back soooooo bad!

And i don't know what to do... is there absolutely nothing i can do while she sorts things out? How can i continue to have faith while she seems to be trying so hard to push me out of her life? My friends and family seem to have it... where is mine?

True love waits?

We'll see...

"Today, i miss my girlfriend..."

As i doodle this on my notebook, someone taps me on the shoulder.

"Shouldn't that be 'ex-girlfriend'?"

So, i'm thinking about this. I can honestly say i miss my "girlfriend." My "girlfriend" is a sweet, sensual, caring young woman who completes me.

I still don't know if i've even started to comprehend just how incomplete i am right now.

Anyway, i am able to function finally... although i'm still far from one hundred percent. I'm not sure i can believe i will ever find someone even remotely like her. Someone who accepts me totally and completely for who i am.

However, in her transition to "ex-girlfriend," i guess she stopped accepting me. I only wish i knew why.

She believes i will never change... no, her exact words were "people never change." I know she's wrong, but i cannot call her and tell her she's wrong. Hell, i may never even get the chance to prove to her she's wrong.

Change is the only constant in the universe. Wow, that sounds deep, doesn't it? It is true though. In some small way, i am not even the same person i was when i started this entry. Every minute i change, however subtly, i change.

And how can she not see it? Every time we spend together, i fall more in love with her. When we met, even she would agree that i was an insensitive asshole... and she would take every opportunity in the last three years to remind me that i was no longer that person, that i was no longer evil.

For her to cast me aside like she did... it still hurts. It has been almost seven weeks now, and some days are worse than the day she did it.

Granted, some are better.

Anyway, the time is drawing near to show her my heart. If she stomps on it, that is her right... then i will know my "girlfriend" is truly dead.

But if she shows even the slightest glimmer of the feelings she must still have...

Well, either way, i've got a very long, very difficult climb ahead of me... and it's not one i'm looking forward to. The important thing for me right now is to not put any pressure on her at all... and to let her know that i will still always be here for her.

I will still love her unconditionally...

I think today was a good day. C and I talked on the phone for a couple of hours... and while she's still angry with me, and i haven't exactly forgiven her yet either, we did clear the air over a few of our issues.

I know it probably won't do our relationship any good, but i figure if we can learn how to communicate... maybe we can carry this on to the next one.

If there is a next one.

Anyway, it meant a lot to me that we were able to talk without fighting and to clear the air over some of the communication breakdowns we experienced near the end.

And we still have our chemistry... and she still cares.

We talked about lots of things, school, dogs, Preakness, work, my new bed...

Mostly, i guess we talked about us... it was a very emotional call, but i'm glad it happened.

And i'm glad she didn't hang up. She could have at any time.

I think it was probably good for her too. We learned a lot about each other, and said some things to each other that really should have been said six weeks ago.

No, i don't think we'll be getting back together tho'. That would be my fondest wish, and i truly hope she thinks about some of the things we said... but my experience with wishes isn't exactly stellar.

Especially since the breakup.

But she still knows me better than anyone, and i still know her better than anyone too... i think once the pain and anger subside, maybe we can fold this all into a close, sincere friendship.

That, i believe is attainable... in time.

Thank you, C, for giving me back a spark of hope... not necessarily for us, but for myself. It may just give me the strength i need to carry on.