So, now that the circle is complete... i have a lot of hard choices to make. Am i happy where i'm at? Am i happy with what i'm doing? With the direction my life is going?

There is someone i met just a few weeks ago... and she has been interested in seeing how this drama with C plays out. Now that that's over, i wonder what will happen there? Will she make me happy? Will i make her happy?

What kind of choice will i make if C decides to come back and i'm in the situation she is in right now?

Ok, that's not really the direction i need to be thinking right now. I do have a lot of loose ends to tie up if i'm planning a major life change. I had a plan in place for relocating to be with C if she really wants it. Maybe i should expand on the same plan if i am so happy here? After all, the timetable is not fixed without her... and neither is the relocation destination.

She has made her choices... and while i think they are mistakes, i cannot make my decisions based on being available to catch her when she falls.

As i've said before... if we are meant to be, things will work out without my intervention.

One could argue that if i were to land a job where she is... that would add stress to her current "relationship," to which i would answer there is only one reason my presence will cause her relationship to crumble... she is not with who she wants.

But she is happy with her decision right now, and i respect that.

Now i just have to figure out my new purpose. To borrow from Jack Palance's character in City Slickers, i need to figure out that one thing that matters to me and pursue it.

No, not C... something else... something for me.

I used to know what i wanted to do with my life. I had it all planned out. Then C happened, and our plans started merging with each other. I'm afraid somehow mine got lost in the whirlwind.

Were i a spiritual man, i might figure i'm going through a test... maybe in some ways i am.

Maybe it's just time to find out if this is all that i am... if there is anything more...

Finally... i have reached the end.

The outcome wasn't quite what i had hoped for, but she says she is happy. In the end, i only want her to be happy.

I don't believe her when she says she is happy... but i have always believed in her, so that's what counts.

We are still in a much better place than we were two weeks ago. I promised to be here for her if she ever needs me... i'm not sure i'll get the same promise from her, but at least i know that she still cares.

The end of the road... which isn't as bad as Boyz 2 Men make it sound. All i need to do is turn around and it is a new beginning.

Will i even love this way again? It is hard to say. She's in a relationship that makes her happy... she's not in love, she doesn't see them getting married... but she seems to be in a good place.

I think i'm getting there. There will still be rocky patches, largely because no one has ever loved me like that girl did... and that someone could take that away from her... from me... from us. Well, it may be some time before i can believe in true love again.

Maybe i never will... it clearly doesn't account for much! Ok, that's not fair... and i still believe that if we were truly meant to be then our paths will cross again and we'll be together. Ok, that's terribly idealistic... hopefully i can find peace somewhere in the middle.

At least i was able to get myself back in this process. And we both got some of the closure we needed... it wasn't a mistake.

Finally... i'm on an upswing.

I'm really working on living my life. Yes, i have decided i would love to spend the rest of my life with someone who's every bit as in love with me as she always was... but she still has some major issues to work through.

I suppose that if she doesn't want to be happy... that's her call.

I still worry that she's so afraid that she could finally going to get what she has wanted for so many years... well, that's a bit overwhelming. That, and she might not actually believe that i'm serious.

Someday, perhaps she'll figure out that her feelings haven't betrayed her. She fell in love with me the instant we met. I hope she'll realize that if she has to give someone else "a chance"... and she doesn't feel it yet... that it isn't meant to be.

And maybe, just maybe... it won't be too late. I'll wait, but not forever.

C, you really, really need to figure this out... if you follow your heart, i can promise you won't be disappointed!

C,

Two days ago you were planning our wedding. Yesterday you killed me.

What is going through your pretty little mind? I don't know what he's got that's making you turn your back on your true love again... but i would ask you to consider this: he doesn't love you... you wouldn't be breaking his heart if you ended it. He's kept you at a distance... it will be nothing like the devastation you keep causing me.

You were so happy two days ago... don't we deserve that? You were telling everyone you were working on getting back together with me. You were ready to take on your parents with me!

I suppose i should just stop believing in love if it means so little to you. You would rather give someone you don't love a chance than be with the one you love... and that is something i will never understand.

And i just can't stop loving you.

On a scale of 1 to 10, today really sucked ass.

There is SO much that has happened over the course of the last six days... much more than i'm going to elaborate on here (maybe in a future blog entry... maybe if it makes sense someday)...

Let me sum up. C loves me. C will always love me. However, C can accept that she will never be as happy where she's at as she is when she's with me.

This troubles me... but all i can do is continue to give her space, be her friend, and keep listening to her when she calls.

Things are not as bad as they were... but they are pretty confusing... C knows what she wants, i've seen proof of that over the last few days. She just needs to figure out how to get from where she is to where we should be.

So, for now... patience is my bittersweet friend. I can only hope i will have the strength to be there when she comes around. Pray for me!

Wow, what a difference just a few days can make.

Let me just say it has been... erm... interesting. I guess sometimes i do manage to have a good idea.

Now, can i pull it off? We shall see.

Sorry for the obscurities. I can't take too much for granted right now.

Last week, i met a great girl... we shall call her "D". She impressed me a lot, and i'm not easily impressed!

And i think i impressed her too... so we shall see where it goes. Assuming it goes anywhere.

Then i skipped town for my vacation. I know, i know... i shouldn't have. I still haven't put my house in order, but i just had to get away. Didn't you ever have to just get away?

I ended up driving to Estes Park for the Netflix Roadshow viewing of The Shining, on location at the place where The Shining was shot. No, i'm not being repetitive... they showed the Kubrick movie where the television mini-series was shot. In spite of that, it was a very impressive old hotel and there were a lot of people!

I discovered i don't like Fat Tire and i needed a blanket. Still all in all a fun evening... something different anyway! Somehow i managed to sleep like a baby in my tent that night...

The next day i decided to pop in and see C. Let me just say i was pleasantly surprised by the reaction i got when she laid her eyes upon me again.

I won't elaborate too much now... but i will say that it was a good visit and that we are working on... well, we are friendly to each other.

I finished my vacation with a trip to Kansas City to pick up my iMac i had purchased during the previous weekend. It is great!

Apparently the trip has done me some good... my workmates think i'm happier... although today D said i was un-date-able.

That's not a word, i'm using it to show how desperate the situation is.

No, i'm not implying that she doesn't like me... in fact, she seems to be rather into me! =^)

But like me, she is now waiting to see how something goes.

It should be fun at the very least...

Everytime i'm down, i think it defines a new normal for me. I'm just starting to wish i'd hit rock bottom so i'd have nowhere to go but up.

Bleah!

Anyway, i had a very enlightening, yet brutally honest conversation with A yesterday. She didn't speculate too much on C's reasons for the split, but she did give me every reason why i can never win her back...

Why there is no such thing as winning a girl back.

So, it appears i was right all along... i bring all of this on myself. I need to learn to stop thinking... and absolutely not speaking what's on my mind!

I need to take responsibility for what's wrong in my life. There isn't much right, so i suppose now is as good a time to devote myself to rebuilding as any. Kind of the catch-22: i hate being so lonely, but i cannot concentrate on the loneliness until i fix what else is wrong with me.

Today, i keep thinking of mine and C's last face-to-face conversation... i cannot help wondering if i'd made the comment that A was better off without me.

And now C is better off without me... and according to A, doesn't even think about me.

At all.

Just when i thought i knew what devastation was... now i'm absolutely devastated because C is gone.

Forever.

And i'm not even in a state of mind where i can correct anything. I have to learn to do things for myself... both A and C have said this.

Is it so wrong to enjoy doing things for my loved ones? I suppose it is if i lose myself in the process... which i've done both times.

So much for being myself, eh? That is something i will have to change. I'll have to hold myself accountable for pushing her into the arms of someone else.

If i truly love someone, i will push them away... it is my lot in life.

Unless i change. But where do i even begin?

Next week i'll be getting away. I don't even know where i'll go, that's not important... but i'll need to focus on what i want to do with my life. As long as i am this unhappy... life just isn't worth living.

I need to make it worth living... i need to make myself worth loving again.

Where did it all go wrong?

Thank you for the butt-chewing last night, A. I suppose i needed to hear it from someone... i just wish i knew how to fix me. For me. When all i can think about is her.

My God, i'm going to turn into a bad country music writer...

But is it SO wrong for her to make me so happy when we are together? I guess i need to learn where these lines are and which side to stay on... i still have so much to figure out.

C has become the master... and i the student, and she will never need me or think of me again. After thinking of me for almost the entirety of ten years... it is all gone. Everything... meaningless. All i can do is let it die, and hope something rises from the ashes i can rebuild my soul with.

Maybe they are all better off without me.

So, now that i'm thinking of putting myself back on the market, i've been thinking about what i might just be looking for.

I keep thinking about things like my criteria from the "before" time. Oddly, i am still incredibly shallow... i don't know if i'm as bad as i was. In the before time, these were the requirements:

• left-handed
• brunette
• have freckles
• cute nose
• weigh no more than i can carry
• a sense of humor
• be photogenic (and like it)
• someone i could talk to intelligently
• no tattoos
• no smoking
• attached earlobes (ya rly!)

Needless to say, the ex did not meet all of these expectations... of which i am certain there are more that i just do not remember. However, she did teach me that i could love someone for who they are as well as for who they are not.

Fat lot of good that did... but i don't want to go there.

Anyway, while i don't believe i am still *that* shallow, i've been thinking about what might be a potential deal-breaker.

Cute nose is still a must! Same with sense of humor. Being photogenic would be a plus, since i am a fledgling photographer who can always use a muse...

One thing that didn't seem to matter to much to me then... i wonder if it matters now?

It has occurred to me, that while unlikely at my age, i might find someone who wants to wait until she is married. Considering what i had with my last girlfriend... i'm afraid that would be a deal-breaker.

Does that make me a horrible person? It's funny, because i've never really put much stock in scruples, and i still don't really care what people think... except now it matters, because if i want to find a good woman to share my life with, i cannot alienate everyone around me.

C was a gem, because she was determined to reveal the good person she believed i was... she was persistent, and she succeeded.

And when we started seeing each other, sex was not an issue... not at all, really! We enjoyed each other's company, did things like watching movies, roller skating, mini golf, small road trips.

We waited to have sex until we were both ready... which is how i believe it should be. I don't like the idea of waiting until some time that is determined by some other entity... i think a man and a woman can determine this without society's boundaries.

However, we really enjoyed sex. One could argue that we were sex addicts. And, it was always fantastic... and even after the breakup, i don't think she would disagree with that.

So, is it reasonable to think that if i find a woman, and we just hit it off, that our dates might progress into intimacy fairly quickly? Is that a recipe for disaster?

The advice i get most from my friends is that i just need to be myself. Well, i'm afraid that if sex isn't in the mix... then i'm not being myself and i'm setting the relationship up for disaster. What can i say, i need a promiscuous girl...

Again, does that make me a bad person?

More importantly, will i find this woman? I found her once, and i was ready to marry her...