C,

Two days ago you were planning our wedding. Yesterday you killed me.

What is going through your pretty little mind? I don't know what he's got that's making you turn your back on your true love again... but i would ask you to consider this: he doesn't love you... you wouldn't be breaking his heart if you ended it. He's kept you at a distance... it will be nothing like the devastation you keep causing me.

You were so happy two days ago... don't we deserve that? You were telling everyone you were working on getting back together with me. You were ready to take on your parents with me!

I suppose i should just stop believing in love if it means so little to you. You would rather give someone you don't love a chance than be with the one you love... and that is something i will never understand.

And i just can't stop loving you.

Ok, it is time... i need to know.

You are making this all seem like we were drifting apart... like we are just discovering that we weren't meant to be.

I know that's not true... i was not drifting from you. And you? That's not the whole story, is it?

You told me you were upset with me because i was texting you and calling you and you weren't able to spend enough time with your friends.

You told me that you wanted to spend time with them, because you got to know them and they are good people.

What about me? Am i not good people?

And now, you tell me that the feelings haven't changed and you still care for me, but you won't tell me if you have started seeing someone because you don't want me to "dwell on it." Well, what message am i supposed to get? I'm not good people? If you are seeing someone new and have moved on, that's going to give me something to dwell on?

I'd just like to know how and why you were able to move on so quickly? Falling in love with someone isn't a choice... it is chance. Staying in love with someone isn't chance... it takes work, sometimes hard work. Falling OUT of love with someone isn't chance... you have to make a CHOICE to fall out of love with someone.

And if you haven't fallen OUT of love with me... then what is going on?

You gave up on me. I need to know why. I need to know why you are throwing it all away... if it is someone else, fine. If it is something i did, fine again, but please tell me, because it is probably something i can change... if not for you, for the next person.

If it is something i didn't do... tell me. If you care about me so much, you need to see that you need to help me get through this. I never gave up on you... hell, i still haven't! Since you have given up on me, i need to know why.

I don't think it is too much to ask, do you?

When will this pain end? When will i find something to fill this hole left by my sweet angel?

You know, i was so looking forward to taking our relationship to the next level.

Now, i'm afraid i don't look forward to anything at all.

Apologies for this... a couple of weeks ago i would have just sent this to C, but tonight i'll just put it here. What can i say? I miss being able to call my best friend when things go well!

Hey,

Just finished with my first final. It actually went really well, considering. I did black out on the Overture of the Thieving Magpie as it was used in A Clockwork Orange... and i missed some of the West Side Story questions. I guess that's what i get for missing class, eh? Anyway, i should come out of the class with a 'B' anyway...

I suppose i can take comfort in the fact that i've only missed a couple of classes in the last couple of weeks. Seems like i've missed more work than that.

Of course, i'm thinking it would be a good time to take a sabbatical or something. I think i would love to go to Buenos Aires for the summer... that would be cool, and definitely a life experience worth having!

Who knows, it might even help take my mind off you!

It's early, so it is hard to tell, but i think i actually thought about you less today. Not really less than yesterday, which was actually a pretty good day, but less than the previous day.

Sometimes it is difficult, because we have talked on the phone almost everyday over the last six months. I honestly don't know how you do it...

I know you think you handled things intending it to be "easy" on both of us... but really, it's only easy on you, and i still believe that feeling is temporary. You know how i feel about being played for the fool... and how i've always treasured the honesty in our relationship.

So, i miss that. Is that such a crime? I just wish you had said something... given me the opportunity to speak. Maybe dating isn't for us, but there are ways we could have done that and still remained friends. Or at the very least, friendly.

They say old lovers can be good friends.

As things stand, it will take a lot of time. We really need to end things on a better note, so it won't take so much time. I certainly don't want you to resent me (although i really don't believe you have any reason to... unless...), and i want to know that you are happy and i want you to know that you will always have me as a friend.

That is much more important to me than anything at this point. After so many years, we deserve to hold onto the best parts of our relationship!

Anyway, take care of yourself and be safe!

Best regards,
J