Tuesday, May 30, 2006, 6:34 pm
Finding strength...
So, it has been a while since i have mentioned what weighs heaviest on my mind.
To be honest, i haven't felt like writing about it... or really talking about it either. There is some kind of bliss to feeling this numb all the time.
But it has given me ample opportunities to think about it... i hate it, but there is nothing i could have done about it.
She broke up with me... if/when the time comes she'll have to "unbreak" up with me. No, i won't hold my breath on that one.
So, i'm trying to gather the strength i'll need to move on. I'm beginning to understand that by moving on, that i can still love her very deeply. I can still miss her.
I can miss the sparkle in her eye in the passionate moments, the feeling of her soft, supple skin next to me, the way her hair smells when i bury my nose in it, the intense look of love and lust as we...
Well, i can get carried away.
Yet, i can feel good. I didn't give up anything here. Did i lose a lot? Yes, but i didn't give anything up.
She is the one.
She is the one who is giving up the only person who has always and will always love her unconditionally, and the only one who believes her flaws make her even more amazing...
She is the one who lost faith in making our once powerful and passionate relationship work. She is the one who decided it wasn't worth the hardship and angst...
She is the one who followed her new friends... one's who don't know me and hardly know her... and turned her back on the one who knows her every nuance, every thought, every dream...
She is the one who believes our true love isn't worth fighting for.
Now, here's the rub. She seems so happy... and maybe she is. Maybe she truly will be better off without me. It has happened so many times in the past with so many others...
But, i don't love her any less. In spite of that, my love for her can prove to me that i can love another... another who will love me as unconditionally as she did... another who will share my passions... another...
And try as she might, C will never lose all that we have given each other. She will always know where to find the best BBQ ever, always look forward to the next laugh from Bob Schimmel, always anticipate the next release from Garbage, always yearn to know what happened to Ryan and Marissa (no, she doesn't know yet), and she'll always think of me as she savors that A&W root beer float...
She has no reason to be angry with me... and she will realize that someday.
We will always have some connection... and if a fresh young friendship can spring from that, so much the better. I'll welcome it! Someday, she will too.
In fact, i would have loved to have called her between classes this evening... but it is too soon. No, things will never be the same, but i will survive.
To be honest, i haven't felt like writing about it... or really talking about it either. There is some kind of bliss to feeling this numb all the time.
But it has given me ample opportunities to think about it... i hate it, but there is nothing i could have done about it.
She broke up with me... if/when the time comes she'll have to "unbreak" up with me. No, i won't hold my breath on that one.
So, i'm trying to gather the strength i'll need to move on. I'm beginning to understand that by moving on, that i can still love her very deeply. I can still miss her.
I can miss the sparkle in her eye in the passionate moments, the feeling of her soft, supple skin next to me, the way her hair smells when i bury my nose in it, the intense look of love and lust as we...
Well, i can get carried away.
Yet, i can feel good. I didn't give up anything here. Did i lose a lot? Yes, but i didn't give anything up.
She is the one.
She is the one who is giving up the only person who has always and will always love her unconditionally, and the only one who believes her flaws make her even more amazing...
She is the one who lost faith in making our once powerful and passionate relationship work. She is the one who decided it wasn't worth the hardship and angst...
She is the one who followed her new friends... one's who don't know me and hardly know her... and turned her back on the one who knows her every nuance, every thought, every dream...
She is the one who believes our true love isn't worth fighting for.
Now, here's the rub. She seems so happy... and maybe she is. Maybe she truly will be better off without me. It has happened so many times in the past with so many others...
But, i don't love her any less. In spite of that, my love for her can prove to me that i can love another... another who will love me as unconditionally as she did... another who will share my passions... another...
And try as she might, C will never lose all that we have given each other. She will always know where to find the best BBQ ever, always look forward to the next laugh from Bob Schimmel, always anticipate the next release from Garbage, always yearn to know what happened to Ryan and Marissa (no, she doesn't know yet), and she'll always think of me as she savors that A&W root beer float...
She has no reason to be angry with me... and she will realize that someday.
We will always have some connection... and if a fresh young friendship can spring from that, so much the better. I'll welcome it! Someday, she will too.
In fact, i would have loved to have called her between classes this evening... but it is too soon. No, things will never be the same, but i will survive.