Thursday, October 26, 2006, 6:13 pm

So, today it has been six months since the email. Six months since my life changed forever. Today it is six months (minus six days) she has chosen not to love me.

I'm actually surprised at how much of a non-event it is. If i'm shocked about anything it is how much people can change over a relatively short period of time.

In so many ways, i understand everything. Am i disappointed? Very. Are there days i wish things had happened differently? Yes. Is there something i could have done? Possibly. Is it possible this would have happened even if the distance hadn't existed? Definitely.

You break my heart into a thousand pieces,
and you tell me it's because i deserve better?

While i can say i have been able to move on, i would be lying if i said i never think about her. I would be lying if i said that when i think about her i don't get incredibly sad. I would be lying if i didn't admit that the only way i've been able to deal with this is to let those thoughts go as quickly as possible... to think of her less. It doesn't change the fact that i will probably always love her... always care about her. Since she doesn't want to be a part of my life, though... all i can do is move on.

I am both excited and apprehensive about what the future has to offer. It is true anything can happen, but there are some things that definitely freak me out.

I am no longer a young guy. Don't misinterpret that to read that i'm old... i'm not. However, i am old enough to know that i'm no longer "cool," and at an age where it is better not to pretend i am.

However, i used to believe that C loved me because i never pretended to be someone i'm not. I think that is what drew T to me. I think that is one of my strengths that will help me in my future relationships.

This may come across as arrogant, but i've also figured out that i'm pretty irresistable. I don't think it happens until a young lady gets to know me... but once she does... once i get under her skin, like a disease she cannot completely get rid of it.

Ok, so the disease reference is probably a poor choice of words. =^)

I am growing as a person though. I am more commited to chasing my dreams... to being everything i can be... to see things through.

Yes, a lot has changed since the 'before time.' Some things have not. For instance, i had a plan where purchasing my house was the beginning of my exit strategy from my job and my current life (such that it is). That is certainly not on hold, but some of my actions when i was in 'despair mode' have created some unplanned challenges that will need to be overcome.

Some changes are underway as you sit and read this. I'm getting to know people, i'm growing spiritually, i'm losing weight, i'm gaining a body i can be proud of... and that the women seem to dig! =^)

Some changes are about to be underway... i want to learn to play an instrument, to ballroom dance, to ride a horse. I have new career goals that i'm working towards. I want to travel, to see the world, to have more than one residence.

I want to meet my princess. You know the one, with the saucy nose and the Southern accent... perhaps a lovely Georgia girl.

I'm sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle

You know, it wasn't long ago someone... a married man, no less... told me that women are like bus stops. I'm sure he was just trying to help me feel better, but it makes me wonder how a married or committed person can say such a thing?

Is his or her relationship that valueless?

If there truly is a woman around every corner, then why should i continue my quest for the one, the fairy tale?

No, i cannot think that way. However, knowing that C was not 'the one' does mean that any of these young ladies i meet on the street, at the hot dog stand, or selling me that used CD could have potential.

So, i cannot give up on the dream. I do not intend to settle... i will love again.

And remember, just because it may take some time to ignite that fire and fall again... doesn't mean i shouldn't have fun in the interim. ;^)

With my goals, i will be thrust into plenty of social situations that aren't as potentially disastrous as these bar experiences of late... and that is just another reason to continue on with the plan.

Without her.

And the earth turned grey, the sea turned black,
the rivers turned red, the sun turned cold

I have got to get rid of this saviour complex i've got. I always have this grand dream of saving someone to make her love me. I'm seeing it happen again as i imagine the life i would have with T₂.

Somedays it doesn't even occur to me that someone can love me just for loving her. Maybe it's because that worked so well the last time.

C loved me unconditionally. Perhaps i didn't value that as much as i should have... something i definitely know now. I will never underestimate a woman's love again... or undervalue it.

However, C didn't just turn away from me. She turned away from herself. She turned away from faith. She turned away from God. She forgot that faith is the beginning and love is the end.

Maybe i sound arrogant again, or conceited, but you have to understand just how much this girl loved me. You have to understand the things this old, evil man did to tempt her. He worked on her, knowing how devoted she was to me... and he eventually wore her down.

Does he know it can happen again? Possibly.

Now, i'm not going to be totally naive and say that she's completely innocent in this. It takes two, and she had to LET herself be seduced by him. In fact, there is one thing she is totally right about. She must not have been in love with me if she could do the things that she did. Now, i'm not admitting that she's not or never was in love with me... but to rationalize this in her mind, this has to be what she is thinking... otherwise she never would have given in to the temptations. She used to be much stronger, but she also always had doubts and low self esteem... which he used to his advantage.

He convinced her to cross a line she swore she would never cross.

I'm not going to be so bold to compare this to the classic battle between good and evil... for a whole host of reasons... but you do have to admit there are parallels.

I suppose one could argue that i'm not the most virtuous soul out there. I have had my indiscretions... i have my skeletons lurking in the closet.

And now, she does too. If she were to be around me on a semi-regular basis her guilt would probably consume her. However, were she to get her faith back into her life, she would probably learn to accept her mistake and see what she can do to rectify it.

But, alas, i'm afraid the young lady i fell in love with no longer exists. Her soul is so troubled... and as much as i want to help her and be there for her... i have to live my own life and let her live hers. I cannot keep thinking i can save her... only she can save herself.

She knows i'm here if she ever needs me. She'll have to want to get back on her path though... and right now she doesn't.

I'm teaching myself to believe in things I don't understand

In August when we were together, when i had her loving me again for six whirlwind days, i gave her a letter. To my knowledge she has yet to read the letter.

Anyway, the letter was my explaining to her that i understand why she felt she had to do what she did, and that we can never go back. I never said anything about getting back together... in fact, i still don't believe it is a good idea at this point in her life.

She doesn't read the letter because she cannot handle confrontation in any form... and because she knows it is a goodbye. Even though she probably never intends to speak with me again, for some reason it is easier for her to just wipe those thoughts of me out of her mind, than to let me give her a proper good-by.

I hate that she rolled out of my bed and crawled right into his though. She also has this intense, irrational fear of being alone... yet, she so desperately needs to spend some time alone. She needs to realize that she is merely this old man's plaything... that he preyed on her naivete... that he will never love her even though she so desperately needs to feel loved.

Yes, in August, i would have taken her back unconditionally. C is not a vindictive girl, i think she just lost her faith and saw a quick way out and a quick pleasure-fix. However, in satisfying her fix... she lost everything, and can only rely upon the next fix to strive to fill that emptiness that consumes her.

Sometimes i think that she could never have loved me. To treat me the way she did, how could she? True love is forever. Perhaps she doesn't know how to love... but now that she's lost her way she will probably never again know how to love.

She'll probably stay with him forever, because she doesn't believe in herself or in God's plan for her anymore. Knowing that she will just "settle" is just another reason i cannot. I WANT the fairy tale! I deserve it! I don't want to be like so many couple i see daily... who are together merely for the convenience, or for the hardship of starting a new relationship, or for whatever totally loveless reason they are together. Yet, i certainly don't want to find myself in my mid-50s and seducing some co-worker half my age who has low self esteem and keeping her as a plaything.

But once awakened, it's like evoking a demon

Ok, i don't want you to think that because i haven't mentioned sex yet that i've made that one of my "life changes." In fact, i didn't even mention sex as a reason to stay in a loveless relationship.

Why?

Because i don't believe that the sex is great without love. Ok, that one night stand or two week fling might be fantastic and even mind-blowing... but the sex only stays fantastic and mind-blowing if there is something behind it. Passion is important, but i think you only remain passionate if you are truly in love.

Does that make me a horrible person? Possibly.

Will i still go out after posting this and pick someone up at the club after a few drinks? Probably.

Is it your place to judge me for it? Not really.

So, while i'm on the subject of judgment, one may interpret my comments above as "judging" C. One might even say i'm being to harsh on her. That she doesn't feel at all the way i've described at all.

You know what? Maybe she doesn't. It's entirely possible... which would drive home the belief she never loved me. However, that doesn't change the fact i will probably always love her deeply... and that i am worried about what she has gotten herself into. All i can do is continue to pray for her... for her soul.

I guess you would just have to know the nature of our relationship. C knows me better than any other single person on the planet. I know her better than anyone as well... certainly much better than her best friend or her parents.

Our meeting in August confirmed that to me.

Anyway, i guess this is long enough. I've gotten too deep into the subject... but i wanted to make sure i say everything i want to say. I hope someday she'll find this and read it. If i can't help her personally, i'd at least like my words to mean something.

I want her to be the best she can be, to find that house, to reunite with her horse, to chase those dreams, to find perfect happiness. She won't find any of that until she moves on and becomes herself again.

And now i can move on. I'm not giving up on her, i never will... just moving on. Just in time to talk to the lovely brunette who just entered the Union. =^)

Peace be with you, C.